// HYPOTHESIS_LOADED
In a dystopian future—or maybe just a busy office building—we won't have kitchens. We will have dispensers.
I wanted to test this future.
The Rule: For 7 days, I can ONLY eat food that comes out of a vending machine.
The Payment: Coins (and card readers). No grocery stores. No restaurants. Just
slots A1 through E9.
> DAY 1: THE SUGAR RUSH
LUNCH: Flamin' Hot Cheetos + Diet Coke - 450 cal
DINNER: Jack Link's Beef Jerky (Original) - 200 cal
Physical State: I felt amazing for about 4 hours. My brain was buzzing with Red Dye No.
40.
Then 3:00 PM hit. The Crash.
Vending machine food is engineered to be addictive, not filling. It triggers a dopamine spike,
followed by an insulin plummet. I was shaking. I was aggressive. I yelled at a printer.
> DAY 3: THE HUNT FOR VITAMINS
CRAVING: An apple. A carrot. Anything green.
Scurvy became a legitimate fear. There is no fruit in a standard vending machine.
I drove to a "fancy" corporate office building downtown, hoping their high-end machine had apple slices.
Found: "Veggie Straws."
Analysis: I read the ingredients. Main ingredient: Potato Flour. These are potato
chips lying about being vegetables. There is no Vitamin C here.
> DAY 5: THE PRESERVATION PHASE
My face looked puffy in the mirror. My rings were tight on my fingers.
DAILY SUGAR INTAKE: 120g
DAILY FIBER: 0g (Approx)
I was effectively preserving myself from the inside out. I felt like a salty, preserved mummy. My body was retaining so much water I felt like a waterbed.
> DAY 7: THE FINAL BILL
I ended the week feeling sick, sluggish, and... broke.
Total Cost: $142.50
People think "Processed Food" is cheap. It is not.
A small bag of chips is $2.00. By weight, that is roughly $32 per pound.
Filet Mignon is $25 per pound.
I was paying Filet Mignon prices to eat Cheetos.
> FINAL_VERDICT
CONCLUSION: We pay a premium to be poisoned. Convenience is the most expensive thing you can buy—both for your wallet and your arteries.