The Item: Bhoot Jolokia (The Ghost Pepper). Native to Northeast India. Once the hottest chili in the world (1 Million Scoville Units). For context, Tabasco sauce is 5,000 units. This is 200x hotter.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
CAPSAICIN IS A NEUROTOXIN IN HIGH DOSES.

> THE PREPARATION

I signed a waiver (mentally). I had a liter of milk, a bowl of sugar, and an ice pack ready.

The pepper looked innocent. Small, wrinkled, and red. It smelled fruity.

> MINUTE 0: THE BITE

00:00: Chewed the pepper.
Reaction: "Hey, this is sweet? It's not that ba--"

> MINUTE 1: THE REALIZATION

00:30: The sweetness vanished. A wave of heat started at the back of my throat.
01:00: My tongue felt like it was expanding. The heat wasn't "spicy"; it was pain.

> MINUTE 5: THE PEAK

I lost the ability to speak. I was just making guttural noises.

Sweat was pouring down my face. Not normal sweat. Cold, clammy sweat.

0 Min
5 Min (PEAK)
30 Min

> THE MILK RELIANCE

Milk contains casein, which binds to capsaicin. Water spreads it.

MILK CONSUMED: 1.2 LITERS
(STILL BURNING)

> MINUTE 20: THE EUPHORIA

Something strange happened. The pain was so high that my brain dumped endorphins (natural painkillers) into my system. I felt high. I was dizzy, smiling, and crying at the same time. This is the "Pepper High." It feels like running a marathon in 10 seconds.

> CONCLUSION

The Bhoot Jolokia is not food. It is a biological weapon we pretend is a vegetable. I survived, but my stomach has filed a formal complaint.